SONG LYRICS 


 

VOLUME ONE

 

1. I’m Leaving Home

Where will I go?

When will I know?

What will I eat?

Where will I sleep?

 

You say I’m grown. I shouldn’t wait.

I’m old enough to pull my freight

And use the things you’ve always taught

But, Ma, I’m having second thoughts.

 

How will I fair?

Will anyone care?

Living outside.

Where will I hide?

 

When winter comes and blizzards roar,

You won’t be waiting at the door.

I guess I’ll live, but for a while,

I think I’m going to miss your smile.

 

All that I’ve seen,

What does it mean?

Family behind,

What will I find?

 

I’m feeling bold. I’m feeling strong.

You’ve tried to teach me right from wrong.

A kid should go out on his own,

But, Ma, that means I’m leaving home.

 

But, Ma, that means I’m leaving home.

I can’t believe I’m leaving home.

 

 

2   Me Just A Worthless Coyote

Me just a worthless coyote, me howling

at the moon.

Me like to sing and holler, me crazy 

as a loon.

Me not want job or duties, no church or 

Sunday school.

Me just a worthless coyote, and me

ain’t nobody’s fool.

 

 

3   How Do I Do It?

When I take a notion to swim me an ocean,

Or climb me a mountain,

Or kill me a bear,

I’m never distracted or frightened or acted upon by your everyday worries or cares.

 

Chorus:

But how do I do it?

I don’t know 

I just don’t have any idea

I just do it!

 

Because of my job as the Head of Security

I must fight monsters, and coyotes, and coons,

I rarely get whipped,

Seldom bloody my lip on the fist of 

subversive and criminal goons.

 

Chorus

 

And speakin’ of women, 

Did I think to mention

That I have a lady not too far from here.

Miss Beulah, the collie,

She loves me, by golly, 

And often has spasms when I get too near.

 

Chorus

 

I reckon if God was inventing a bod

That was certain to drive all the women insane,

He’d probably demand that I sit down and 

hand him a list of the things that have brought me my fame.

 

Chorus

I can’t explain it,

Can’t be specific

But it would be that I’m just...

Terrific!

 

 

4   I am a Witch

I am a witch,

A wicked little witchy owl.

Now I’m here and then I’m not.

I’m in command of slight of hand.

With me you never know what you got.

 

Well, I can be bright as the sunshine,

Or I can be dark as the night.

I’ll never tell when I’m casting a spell, 

And if I say I will, I might...

I might not

 

I am sublime.

My name is Madame Moonshine,

And riddles are my poison darts.

I’m in control of my little hole

which is greater than the sum of 

its parts.

Well, I can be silver or golden,

Just like the stars or the moon

Or I can scream and interrupt your dream

Like a hurricane, tornado, typhoon...

disaster.

 

I am a witch,

A wicked little witchy owl,

Now I’m here and then I’m not.

I’m in command of slight of hand.

With me you never know what you got

I’m very, very seldom just what you thought.

I’m just as likely to ignore you as not.

I am a witch ch ch ch 

I am a witch ch ch ch

I am a witch ch ch ch

I am a witch

 

 

5   Your Momma Wears Old Tow Sack Drawers

Your momma wears old tow-sack drawers,

And holds them up with twine.

She has a ringworm on her nose

And picks it all the time.

Your momma’s combat boots smell bad,

So do her dirty socks.

Which goes to show what all cats know:

All dogs are just a pox.

 

 

6   Cats Are Stupid

When God made a cat He was desperate

For something to make Himself laugh.

He gave it the brain of a monkey

But dropped it and broke it in half.

 

Cats are stoo-pid,

They don’t have the sense of a snooker ball.

That’s why monkeys 

Deny any kinship at all.

 

 

7   Kicking My Dog Around

Every time I go to town, 

The boys keep kicking my dog around.

Makes no difference if he is a hound.

They got to quit kicking my dog around.

 

 

8   Beulah, Good Night

Sometimes I sleep in the cake house,

Sometimes I sleep on the ground.

Sometimes I take a great notion

To jump into the sewer and drown.

 

Oh Beulah, good night, good....

 

Junior was shaking his head. “UH w-wait a

m-minute, D-D-Doggie, y-you uh g-g-got the wrong w-w-w-w-w-w...girl. It’s uh su-su-supposed to b-be I-I-Irene, n-not B-Beulah.”

“We changed the words.”

“Uh, okay.”

“Start the chorus again, two three,...”

 

Oh, Beulah, good night, good night.

Beulah, good night. Good night, Beulah,

Good night, Beulah,

I’ll see you in my dreams.

 

I love that girl, God knows I do,

I’ll love her till the creek runs dry.

And if that girl turns her back on me

You can kiss that bird dog good-bye.

 

Oh, Beulah, good night, good night.

Beulah, good night.

Good night, Beulah, good night, Beulah

There’ll be a terrible fight.

 

Stop your ramblin’, stop your gamblin’,

Stop makin’ patrols at night.

Go home to that gal with the fine sharp nose,

And everything will come out all right.

 

Oh, Beulah, good night, good night.

Beulah, good night.

Good night, Beulah, good night, Beulah,

I’ll see you in my dreams.

 

 

9   The Cold Weather Cowdog Blues

Well my bed is cold and I’m feelin’ kind of old.

I got the cold weather cowdog blues.

My bones are achin’ and my whole body’s

shakin’.

I got them cold weather cowdog blues.

Don’t tell me that I’m a guard dog.

Don’t tell me I’m supposed to be tough.

‘Cause I’m lonesome and I’m blue and I’m cold as a frog,

And I just can’t handle that stuff tonight.

 

It would sure be nice just to thaw my ice,

And curl up by the wood burning stove.

I got the sleepin’ outside, layin’ in the snow.

I got the cold weather cowdog,

The lonesome as a hound dog,

The cold weather cowdog blues.

Real bad.

 

 

10   Rotten Meat

There’s many a mystery’s got lost in our

history,

But none more important for us to repeat

Than this secret potion, this coyote love

lotion,

The wonderful essence of ripe stinking meat.

 

Oh, rotten meat, rotten meat!

The odor’s deliciously subtle and sweet.

Coyotes love to cheat and we love to eat.

This life would be rotten without rotten

meat.

 

I know a feller, his coat is dark yeller.

He’s got sinus drainage and sneezes a lot.

He had no success in the wimmen department

Until he discovered the perfume of rot.

 

Rotten meat, hey, rotten meat!

The odor’s deliciously subtle and sweet.

Coyotes love to cheat and we love to eat.

This life would be rotten without rotten meat.

 

The girls of my dreams is a wonderful lady.

Miss Beulah’s her name and she makes my

heart thump.

It never occurred to me she might preferme

If I showed up smelling of decomposed skunk.

 

Roll in rotten meat, bathe in rotten meat! 

The odor’s deliciously subtle and sweet.

Coyotes love to cheat and we love to eat.

This life woulc be rotten without rotten meat.

 

The secret of courtship in coyote circles

Depends on the deep manly smell of the guy.

A woman worth courting wants guys who 

are sporting,

Who stink to high heaven and smell to the 

sky!

 

We wear rotten meat, we share rotten meat!

The aftershave lotion that’s sure hard to beat.

Coyotes always smell neat, we’ve accom-

plished the feat

Of charming our wimmen with rotten meat!

 

 

11   Beulah’s Song

I have the strangest dream, Beulah my dear,

I’m standing close to you and holding you near.

I feel electric shock, just being close by,

Touching your flaxen hair and seeing your

eyes.

 

I don’t understand this thing! Is it a lark?

I wake up tossing and turning and yearning

alone in the dark.

And hearing my bark again.

 

These feelings are strange to me, I can’t

explain

What makes me feel ten feet tall but brings

me such pain.

It’s bound to be sourcery, Beulah, my dove,

Some trick of the sleeping mind... or could it 

be love?

 

But I don’t have time for love or poetry or

song!

Protecting my ranch from dangerous forces,

I’ve got to be strong!

But maybe I’m wrong again.

 

Hank, you’re a handsome dog, heroic and

bold.

You’re what we talk about when stories are

told.

But heroes are restless ones, they’re here

and they’re gone.

Their ladies wake up alone to greet the new dawn.

 

Plato is not like you, he’s meek and refined.

Sometimes I think I should follow my heart instead of my mind!

But Plato is kind to me.

 

Beulah, I pledge my heart ( We can be friends ) 

To you this day ( Very good friends ) 

I’ll never leave you now ( Plato is dear )

I’ve come to stay ( Plato is near )

 

It’s not just sorcery

Beulah, my dove

I’m not just dreaming now ( You’re only 

dreaming, Hank )

I’m sure I’m in love ( You think you’re in love ).

 

 

12   Bark At The Mailman Battle Hymn

Bark at the mailman, give him the full load.

He has no business driving on my road.

I am in charge of Ranch Security.

Trespassers must have permits cleared by me.

 

Postal employees just don’t understand

Dangers they risk when slipping on my land.

What are you doing at my mailbox, sire?

Get off my ranch or I shall bit your tires!

 

 

13   Locked In A Jailhouse

I’m locked in a jailhouse with buzzards on

the roof.

In chasing the chicken, I think I really

goofed.

It might have gone unnoticed if the chicken

hadn’t squawked,

Or if I’d bit her neck off, I doubt she would 

have talked.

 

These buzzards are omens that things have

gone astray.

They’re waiting for their breakfast and they won’t go away.

From bird to bird I’ve tumbled from the 

heights into this pen.

With chicken it got started, with buzzards it will end.

 

I’m locked in the jailhouse with buzzards

standing by

Like black feathered tombstones, they wait 

for me to die.

The sands of life are falling through the hourglass of time

I cross my heart (and fingers), I didn’t do 

this crime!

 

 

14   I’m Rich

Well not so very long ago, it’s been just

a day or three,

I had me a job, pretty good job, as Head

of security.

I worked real hard, took care of my 

place, kept it safe and sound.

I knew that ranch like the back of my

hand, I knew my way around.

 

I guess you could say that I was content

to leave things where they stood.

I mean, there might have been a better 

deal around, but this one was pretty

good.

But then, you know, by George, one

night I fell heir to a treasure,

An Incredible Priceless Corncob, worth 

more than you could measure.

 

And now I’m rich, you bet I’m rich!

No more sleeping in the ditch, old pal,

because I’m rich.

 

Well, sudden wealth can do a lot to 

change your attitude.

Makes you aware of who you are and 

what you have to prove.

I mean, you just can’t go on living in 

your same old low class style, 

You’ve got to put on airs and flaunt

your wealth and strut your stuff a while.

For one thing, it ain’t proper now to 

speak to just anyone,

You’ve got to choose your friends more

carefully, according to how much mun

They’ve got, ‘cause see, a lot of dogs

don’t have it and probably never will,

And them’s the kind you leave behind

when you’re marching up the hill.

 

‘Cause now I’m rich, I’m, by George, rich.

No more sleeping in the ditch, old pal,

this dog is rich.

 

Another thing you’ve got to watch when 

you join the upper crust 

Is working eighty hours a week and 

thinking that you must.

‘Cause when you’ve got a fortune be-

hind you every day,

You don’t even need a job to prove that

you’re okay.

 

There’s lots of ways of acting to get

your point across

That now you’re rich and famous and

you’ve become the boss.

But the best way to express your wealth

and make it really sting 

Is to stay in bed, cover up your head, 

and never do a thing!

 

It says you’re rich! Oh, you’re rich!

No more digging a ditch, pal, this dog is 

rich!

 

 

15   My Heart Goes Wild For You

My heart grows wild for you.

You’re the soft caress of morning dew.

My heart just grows wild for you,

The fragrant earth sustains it,

My heart grows wild for you.

 

My heart glows wild for you,

You’re the sun that gives it light and hue.

My heart just glows wild for you.

Love’s flame knows no season,

It burns both rhyme and reason,

My heart glows wild for you.

 

My heart goes wild for you.

Madness, rushing wind, what can I do?

My heart just goes wild for you, 

I don’t have words to name it,

I lack the will to tame it,

My heart goes wild for you.

 

 

16   A Fundamental Disagreement

We seem to have a problem relating, you

and I.

We seem to have a problem, seeing eye to eye.

We seem to stand a world apart on almost 

everything.

It’s a fundamental disagreement.

 

I know you think I’m fussy about my yard 

and home.

You probably think I’m wicked, my heart is made of stone.

You just don’t seem to understand or even

really try.

It’s a fundamental disagreement.

 

Chorus:

Oh, Hank, if you would just shape up!

Oh, Hank, if you could take a hint!

Oh, Hank, you love the septic tank!

Why can’t you change your ways and try to be good?

 

I could be a lot more patient if you were 

just less crude.

Sometimes I think God put you here to test 

my fortitude.

And if you’d leave my cat alone and not 

corrupt my child,

We have a fundamental disagreement.

 

I’d rather not be near you when you’ve just

fought a skunk.

I’ve tried it several times before and, Hank,

you’ve really stunk.

My nose is very sensitive, I guess that’s at 

the root

Of our fundamental disagreement.

 

Chorus:

 

I guess we’ll take you to the doctor and put

you through the mill.

We’ll get your broken leg fixed, and then

we’ll pay the bill.

I can’t explain my reasoning, it doesn’t

make much sense.

It’s a fundamental disagreement.

 

A woman has an instinct for keeping things 

alive.

When we see a creature suffering, our spirits take a dive.

But, Hank, you strain my instincts and put

them to the test.

It’s a fundamental disagreement.

 

Oh, Hank, if you would just shape up!

Oh, Hank, if you could take a hint!

Oh, Hank, this trip will cost us a mint!

Why can’t you change your ways and try to be good?

Become a nicer dog and do what you

should?

I’d like you better if you just understood.

 

 

17   Thank You Lord For Making Gals

Oh, little boys like snakes and frogs,

They’re mean to cats and puppy dogs.

They’ll pull your tail and twist your nose,

And drive their tractor across your toes.

They’ll make you mad and they’ll make 

you howl,

And make you glad for little gals.

 

Oh, thank you, Lord, for making gals!

They give a boost to our morale.

This would be a sad old world

If we had frogs instead of girls.

 

These little donkeys we call boys 

They make a mess and lots of noise.

You always know when they’re close by,

They tease the girls and make ‘em cry. 

They’re hard on clothes and break their toys,

There ain’t much use for little boys.

 

Chorus:

 

Little boys ain’t fit to keep.

They’ll mess things up and make you weep.

They keep the place all torn apart.

They’ll make you cuss and break your heart.

They’ll make you cuss and they’ll make 

you growl,

And make you wish for a little gal.

 

Chorus:

 

So thanks again for little gals!

They’ll treat you nice and be your pals.

But I swear by the stars above 

Watch out, or you’ll fall in love!

 

 

18   Buzzard Love

When I was a young bird, a sly golden-

tongued bird,

The handsomest buzzard you ever did see,

The ladies all lined up and fought ‘til they 

signed up

To kiss me each day at the base of my tree.

 

This one gal named Monique, she said that

my technique

Was crude and stuck-up and completely 

uncouth.

She thought I was tryin’ to impress ‘em by

lyin’,

But shucks, I was trying to tell ‘em the truth!

 

Chorus:

Oh Buzzard Love, on the wings of a dove,

You’ve left me here behind.

When I took wimmen, ‘twas like I was

swimmin’,

You throwed me a sinker instead of a line.

 

One night on our roost I reached out and 

goosed

The ugliest daughter of a feller named Roy.

Her name was Sue Ellen, she went around

smellin’

Of wonderful fragrances buzzards enjoy.

 

I figgered she’d squeal but it came as a real

Surprise when she called me a miserable 

creep.

To add to the drama, it seems that her 

momma

Had moved in between us while I was

asleep.

 

Chorus:

 

I think there’s a lessen for birds who go 

messin’

With dynamite, gasoline, H-bombs, or gals.

Before you start kissin’ on that nytroglycerin

Take out some insurance, get help from your pals.

 

Now, I’m here to witness, you’ll need lots of fitness,

As well as some help from the Lord up above.

‘Cause birds of a feather can stir up bad 

weather,

A stormy condition they call Buzzard Love.

 

Oh, Buzzard Love, on the wings of a dove,

You’ve flown away from here.

And now when I look up and wish I was

hooked up, 

You drop me a whitewash instead of a tear.

 

 

19   Saddle Up In C-Maybe

Saddle up, saddle up, saddle up, saddle up,

Saddle up, saddle up, saddle up, saddle up,

Saddle up, saddle up, saddle up, saddle up,

Saddle up, saddle up, saddle saddle up!

 

Saddle up, saddle up, saddle up, saddle up,

Saddle up, saddle up, saddle up, saddle up,

Saddle up, saddle up, saddle up, saddle up,

Saddle up, saddle up, saddle saddle up!

 

Saddle ... etc.

 

 

20   Daddy Packed His Suitcase ‘Cause Momma Was A Mean Old Bag

Daddy had a weakness for wimmen who

could spit and cuss.

He liked ‘em mean and ragged because

he didn’t care to discuss

The finer points of love and eternal bliss.

He had no use for tenderness.

Oh, Daddy was a villain looking for a 

villainess.

 

Well, he met our ma at a waterhole,

they said that she was having a drink.

She was sitting in a corner and said she 

didn’t think

There was a man in the world who could tame her down,

She could whup any man in Coyote Town.

Daddy said he wanted a wildcat, and

fellers, that’s what he’d found.

 

He walked up to our momma and 

slapped her right across the chops.

She kicked him in the brisket and

slugged him with a wicked right cross.

He knocked her to the floor but she

jumped right up,

Loosened five front teeth and yelled,

“Beware, old pup!”

Oh, Daddy screamed and hollered,

He’d found himself the girl of his 

dreams.

 

They were married in a junkyard, the 

honeymoon was spent in a fight.

This was coyote love for certain.

Instead of trading kises, they’d bite.

Daddy stayed around until he lost a bout

And then he hit the road ‘cause Momma 

threw him out.

Oh, Daddy packed his suitcase ‘cause

Momma was a mean old,

A not so very clean old,

Our Momma was a mean old bag.

 

 

21   Disorientation

Hank:

Now, Madame Moonshine, tell me truly,

If your view of life’s unruly,

How can you figger it out?

See, my down-side is up, I’m confused as

a pup.

I can’t distinguish up from about.

I’m told the world spins ‘round the sun.

What’s here is here, what’s done is done,

And I can accept that as true.

But the normal world looks strange enough without this bunch of other stuff.

I’m backwards, Madame, how about you?

 

Disorientation, 

It’s a revelation.

It will turn your head around.

‘Cause it’s hard to keep your feet on the 

ground,

When you’re hanging upside down.

 

Madame Moonshine:

Now, early in our history 

The world was cloaked in mystery

But two sides began to take shape:

The up-side was up and the down-side was

down,

A simple logic hard to escape.

 

But why should simple logic rule

This universe, this whirlpool

That’s vast beyond our wildest surmise?

You’ve no idea what might could be,

You’re just a dog and cannot see

That certainty in life’s the real surprise.

 

Disorientation,

It’s a revelation.

It will turn your head around.

‘Cause it’s hard to keep your feet on the 

ground,

When you’re hanging upside-down.

 

Hank:

That’s well and good, but I say that

A dog’s a dog and a cat’s a cat.

A blackbird’s black and a bluebird is blue.

But when they’re walking upside-down,

the ground’s the sky and the sky’s the 

ground,

I tell you Madame, I am confused.

 

Madame Moonshine:

The answer, Hank, is plain to see: 

You think you’re you, you think I’m me,

But sometimes we’re not what you think.

There’s a lesson to be learned from reality

upturned:

That everything can change in a blink.

 

Disorientution,

It’s a revolution.

It will turn your head around.

‘Cause it’s hard to keep your feet on the 

ground,

When you’re hanging upside-down.

 

 

22   I Love All Kinds Of Stuff

Hank:

I love the septic tank’s

Emerald waters bank to bank.

Oh, I love the septic tank,

It makes my life worthwhile.

 

Junior:

I love pretty girls.

They make my feathers want to curl.

Oh, I love pretty girls,

They make my life worthwhile.

 

Alfred:

I wuv pwaying twucks.

I wuv my mommy vewy much.

I wuv her tender touch.

It makes my wife worffwhile.

 

Wallace:

I love being mad,

Yelling, scolding, talking bad.

I love being called a cad.

It makes my life worthwhile.

 

 

 

 

VOLUME 2

 

1   Wind Song 

She came here in the springtime

With flowers in her hair,

Inquiring for a place to stay

Until the trees grew bare.

 

I saw her in the cottonwoods,

Beneath their pools of shade.

She caught a puff of cotton

And blew it on its way.

 

Chorus:

Oh, sing songs of sunshine,

Sing songs of rain,

Sing song of springtime gone.

Sing them all again.

 

She stayed through the summer months.

I saw her having fun.

She took a gold strand of hair

And wrapped it ‘round the sun.

 

She warmed the earth and kissed its face

With lips of sparkling dew.

I thought she’d stay forever.

Her name I never knew.

 

Chorus:

 

The autumn came, I heard the wind

And saw the swirls of red,

And cottonwoods with gnarled limbs 

Against a sky of lead.

 

I called for her to warm herself

And said that she must stay.

But all at once her eyes turned sad 

And then she went away.

 

Chorus:

 


2   My Heart Is Up For Rent

Now Frank, Miss Beulah, my amore,

That collie gal that I adore,

Has managed to escape my snares and traps.

I know it doesn’t make much sense,

That she’s resisted such a prince,

But she derned sure has, and that is just a 

fact.

 

I’ve gone to visit her at night,

Howled at the moon, got into fights,

And once I even tried rolling on a skunk.

That coyote trick didn’t hardly work,

She’s still in love with that same old jerk

Named Plato, and my hopes are pret’ near sunk.

 

Chorus:

Oh, my heart is up for rent.

My love’s been living in a tent.

I struck a spark and built a fire.

And got the heartburn of desire.

 

This game of love is pretty rough. 

I’ve had this heartburn long enough.

But what the heck’s a dog supposed to do?

You chase the girls, they run away,

But if you quit, they want to play.

Who wrote these dadgum rules, I’m asking you?

 

Miss Beulah’s tough as nails, I fear,

The hardest case of my career,

I just don’t understand what makes her tick.

Now, surely, Frank, there’s ways and means 

Of working me into her dreams.

It’s time for me to find a magic trick.

 

Chorus:

 

Well. Hank, it happens that you’ve found

A fiddlin’ fox who’s been around

And knows a thing or two bout’ charming gals.

See, all I do to turn it on

Is tell this fiddle to play a song, 

And soon I have ‘em standin’ in my corrals.

 

So if heartburn’s got you down,

 And if you’re tired of being a clown,

Just give old Frankie the Fox your shopping list.

I’ll play a jig, I’ll play a song,

She’ll think she was hit by an atom bomb.

I tell you, son, this fiddle has never missed.

 

Chorus:

 

I’ll play a jig, I’ll play a dance,

That collie gal won’t have a chance.

That empty heart will soon be occupied, brother.

That empty heart will soon be occupied.

3   My Daddy Had A Wreck Today

My daddy had a wreck today, I think it

wrecked his mind.

He didn’t have a lot to lose, what’s lost,

he’ll never find.

My daddy’s lying in the snow. He thinks

he’d somewhere new.

He’s helpless, hopeless, all alone. I don’t 

know what to do.

 

I’m thinking now of how he was, this 

morning on our roost.

He woke me up in the tone of voice to

which I’ve gotten used.

He bellered, yelled, and fumed at me and 

said I’d never ‘mount

To much of anything at all, I’m lazy and 

no-count.

 

If Pa should die and leave me here, I 

wonder what’d I’d do.

Spread my wings and fly away and start

my life anew?

Or would I sit here in the snow and cry 

myself to sleep

And let the morning find us in one big

feathered heap?

 

My daddy had a wreck today, I think I’ve 

had one too.

This rowdy partnership of ours is strange 

but also true.

I want my Pa, for good or bad, forever and 

a day.

And never mind my freedom, Pa, with you 

I’m going to stay.

 

 

4   A Pox, A Pox On Emily Post

You tell me of this etiquette and of this

savior-faire

But I no speak-a French, son, and I don’t 

even care.

‘Cause God made me a buzzard, uncouth

and loud and free,

And all this stuff on etiquette, it cuts no ice 

with me.

 

A pox, a pox on Emily Post.

I thumb my nose at Emily’s ghost.

I’ll never be Miss Emily’s host.

She cuts no ice with me.

 

Now let’s just take a closer look at old Miss Emily’s name.

Post is what they called her, and manners

were her game.

Out here they have a use for posts, they

plant ‘em in the ground.

A barbed wire fence with Emily posts? I’ll 

pass the word around!

 

A pox, a pox, on Emily Post.

I thumb my nose at Emily’s ghost.

I’ll never be Miss Emily’s host

So pass that word around.

 

No self-respecting buzzard has time for

building couth.

We’ve got no use for manners, and that’s

the gospel truth.

So take your please and thank you and

stick ‘em in your ear.

The Devil can roast Miss Emily Post, and I 

will raise a cheer.

 

A pox, a pox on Emily Post,

I thumb my nose at Emily’s ghost,

I’ll never be Miss Emily’s host 

And I will raise a cheer.

 

 

5   Monkey Business

Now, every creature on this earth

Needs a business to prove his worth,

Something to test his skills and express 

himself.

You’ve got plumbers and cowboys and 

carpenters,

Butchers, bakers, and saw sharpeners,

Guys who sack up groceries and stock the 

shelves.

 

Your business kind of set the tone 

Of who you are and how you’re known.

And it’s pretty important to pick one you

understand.

So get yourself a business, son,

If you ain’t there yet, I’ll tell you one.

And you’d better buy stock in this one

while you can.

 

Chorus:

Monkey business, monkey fun, 

Monkey room for everyone.

Enroll yourself today in monkey school.

We’ve got a booming business here.

Depression-proof, owned free and clear.

And all you’ve got to do is act a fool.

 

Your local Better Business folks

Will probably tell you funny jokes

And call our line of work a big charade.

But the joke’s on them, it seems to me,

When the truth’s so very plain to see,

That monkey business is everybody’s

favorite trade.

 

So eat your heart out, Wall Street smarties.

Take GM, we’ll take our parties,

And in ten years we’ll just see what we’ve 

done.

We’ll have show-and-tell, we’ll have a quiz,

I’ll put my dough on monkey biz

‘Cause fools outnumber wise men ten 

to one.

 

Chorus:

oh yeah.

 

You’ve got to play this game by funky

monkey rules, oh yeah.

In monkey business, boys, just act a fool.

 

 

6   I Can See You Now

I can see you now, just the way you were

when daylight found you.

I can see you now, with the morning’s golden glory all around you.

I can see the wind’s soft fingers running 

through your hair.

The amber light reflected in your eyes.

I can see the fields of flowers like a rainbow

Splashed across the earth and stretching to 

the skies.

 

I can see you now, just the way you were

when evening found you.

I can see you now, with the purple shadows

falling all around you.

I can see the wind’s cool fingers running 

through your hair,

And evening stars reflect in your eyes.

I can see bright colors fading all around you,

As night’s blue velvet veil is drawn across 

the skies.

 

I can see you now, just the way you were

when darkness found you.

I can see you now, but the memory starts to 

fade as night surrounds you.

I can hear you calling to me in the darkness,

I can hear the words but don’t know what they

mean.

I can see stars in your eyes like burning

embers,

But just before the dawn, I wake and it’s a 

dream.

I see you now.

I see you now.

I see you now.

 

 

7   I Must Dispose Of The Cat

I don’t understand what’s going on here.

It makes me have questions about my career.

I used to have pride, I thought I was shrewd,

So how come my game plan is coming 

unglued?

 

My countermoves backfire, my plots go

awry,

I’ve got indigestion from Pete’s humble pie.

It’s happened so often, I’m starting to think

This cat will eventually drive me to drink.

 

Chorus:

So to save the dignity of my ranch,

To stop this mental avalanche,

I hereby burn the olive branch.

I must dispose of the cat!

 

It’s not that I’m bitter or violent or mean.

I’m not in the habit of making a scene.

I don’t take positions from which I won’t 

budge,

Yet now I’m holding a grudge.

 

There’s nothing too personal in this, I 

submit.

Well, maybe I’m bothered by cats, I admit,

Their hissing and yowling and humping

their backs.

I hate them, that’s all, it’s as simple as that.

 

Chorus:

 

El Gato is rumored to have several lives,

Nine, I believe, which is four more than five.

But gato and gravy, served up on a plate

Will get the grand total down closer to eight.

 

A kitty for supper, a kitty for lunch,

A kitty con queso, a kitty with punch.

A kitty for snacks, oh my this is fun!

And shortly the total will shrink down to 

none.

 

So to save the dignity of my ranch,

To stop this mental avalanche

I hereby burn the olive branch.

I must consider the pros and cons 

Of bumping off the cat!

 

 

8   Prairie Vespers

Day is done

Twilight’s come

Gone’s the sun

And comes the night.

We pray for wisdom

And for health

And for light.

 

Day is now over

The twilight has fallen

And gone is the sunlight.

We’re left in the blackness of night

We’re praying for courage and wisdom

And for our safe passage from darkness to

light.

 

 

9   We Don’t Give A Hoot

I guess you might think we are dumb and stupid,

And maybe you think we can’t sing.

And maybe you think we can’t make up rhymes,

And if that’s what you think...

 

Then we’ve got a message for you, mister,

And you’d better listen real good,

‘Cause we’ve got one thing to say to you

And here is what it is...

 

We don’t give a hoot,

We don’t ever wear a suit.

We’re nothing but animals,

Outrageous cannibals,

We don’t give a hoot.

 

I guess you might think that we smell bad,

But it’s only because we stink.

But who want to smell like petunias?

Not me...

 

Me and my brother don’t want to offend 

Anyone with our smell,

So if you should find us offensive,

We will beat you up...

 

‘Cause we don’t give a hoot,

We don’t ever wear a suit.

We’re nothing but animals,

Outrageous cannibals,

We don’t give a hoot.

 

Being a cannibal’s lots of fun and goofing off,

We don’t ever have to take baths,

Or clean up our room or eat any spinach

Or dental floss our teeth...

 

We fight all the time and howl at the moon,

And pick our noses a lot.

And if you don’t like what we’re singing 

We’ll beat you up again...

 

‘Cause we don’t give a hoot,

We don’t ever wear a suit.

We’re nothing but animals,

Outrageous cannibals,

We don’t give a hoot.

 

 

10   Oh Flee, My Love!

I saw her face that snowy night and felt the love bug crawl.

As melting snow dripped off my chin, I promised her my all.

Or if not all, then some of it, the part that I could spare.

I offered her my heart’s spare part, I promised it right there.

Her eyes showed pure astonishment, I knew I’d done the trick.

Her mouth turned up into a smile that would have melted brick.

I knew I had her on the ropes. I knew I couldn’t fail.

And that’s when I became aware of something near my tail.

At first I tried to let it slide, I figered it was just 

That same old crawling bug of love I’d noticed right at first.

And so I winked my eye at her and gave her one more thrill.

But suddenly that bug of love attacked me with a drill.

When something’s drilling on your tail, it’s hard to keep your suave,

I lost my concentration then and knew I had to solve

The mystery of that piercing pain that had a hold of me 

The bug of love that bit so hard turned out to be a flea!

 

 

11   The Ckicken Bone Blues

Late in the evening, the sun’s gone down

A country dog finds himself in town,

Singing a song called the Chicken Bone Blues.

 

Walk down the alley, go through the trash,

Looking for a treasure, and I don’t mean cash.

Singing a song called the Chicken Bone Blues.

 

Sometimes this old world treats you badly.

It’s filled with sorrow, pain, and strife.

But then you find a whole new meaning in the alley of life.

You pick through the garbage and you don’t have to beg,

Just dig ‘till you find a chicken leg.

 

I had me a woman, heart was of stone,

I’m giving my love to a chicken bone.

Singing a song called the Chicken Bone Blues.

 

The women’ll say they don’t need you,

A garbage can will always feed you.

Singing a song called the Chicken Bone Blues.

 

I’m not looking for someone’s pity

But I think I’ll put my heart up on the shelf.

There’s not much to be gained feeling sorry for myself.

When it comes to bones, I am Aristotle.

When it’s time to eat, I can hit the throttle.

 

The sun’s gone down, the alley’s dark.

I’m just as happy as a finger-licking lark.

Singing a song called the Chicken Bone Blues.

 

For every woman, there’s a man.

For every dog, there’s a garbage can.

Singing a song called the Chicken Bone Blues.

Oh yeah,

Singing a song called the Chicken Bone Blues.

 

 

12   Hymn To The Home

Bless our family, bless our love,

Make it shine like stars above.

 

Bless our parents, keep them strong, 

Let them teach us right from wrong.

 

Bless these children, help them learn

Patience, virtue, and concern.

 

Bless this home and bless us all, 

Bless this roof and bless these walls.

Bless the food our bodies need,

Bless the hands that us do feed.

 

Bless our voices, bless our song,

Harmony will make us strong.

 

 

13   Just Another Cowboy Day

This morning at five I got out of bed,

Boiled some coffee and toasted some bread.

I pulled on the jeans I’d left throwed on

the chair,

And brushed all the roostertails out of

my hair.

 

My eyes was all soggy, I couldn’t see squat.

I tripped on the dog on my way to the pot.

I said to myself as I kicked him away,

“It’s another cowboy day.”

 

Chorus:

It’s another cowboy day

Diggin’ them postholes and pitchin’ that hay.

It’s another cowboy day.

Just another cowboy day.

 

I went to the mirror and stood there a while. 

The face starin’ back at me looked pretty wild.

If eyes was like teeth, I could take out the red

And soak ‘em in Polident next to my bed.

 

Old Arthur was hurtin’, my shoulder was sore.

Sometimes I think I can’t take any more.

I’ve left many times but always I stayed

For another cowboy day.

 

Chorus:

 

I went to the barn and fed my old horse,

Me and that rascal have been through 

that course.

He ain’t all that good, but he ain’t all that bad.

Old Dunny’s the best friend that I’ve ever

had.

 

Old Dunny and me, we cut through the 

breeze

As morning was paintin’ the tops of the trees.

“Oh Lord, give me more,” that’s all I could say,

“Just another cowboy day.”

 

Chorus:

 


14   Family Fugue

Junior:

Sometimes, Pa, I think you are a dirty

rotten cad.

You’re my dad,

But still, I think you could adjust.

You simply must acquire some polish and 

some class.

 

Saying please won’t hurt your reputation,

and in fact,

It could help you some.

It’s dumb to offend the very one

Who’s lent a hand and pulled you drowning from a tank.

 

Wallace:

Son,

I’ve tried to school you in facts 

of buzzard lore.

You’re a bore.

But still, I think you could adjust.

You really must quit talking nonsense to

your pa.

 

Buzzards by their very definition are

uncouth,

That’s the truth.

What’s dumb is showing courtesy and manners

To the very dog we came here just to eat.

 

Junior:

Yeah, but Pa, I think you ought to show 

some courtesy

Just to me.

Because we are kinfolks doesn’t mean you

have a right 

To treat me like we’re relatives.

 

I can see there’s very little hope of getting 

through

To you.

I’m glad I pushed you off the windmill

tower,

And I hope that almost drowning did you

good.

 

Wallace: (counter melody)

This boy talks nonsense.

Where did I fail?

Where did I go wrong?

He didn’t learn it from his pa.

 

I won’t say thank you.

I won’t say please.

I will ignore you.

And I hope that this ignoring does you good.

 

 

15   See The Morning Sun Ascending

See the morning sun ascending,

Radiant in the eastern sky.

Hear the angel’s voices blending

In their praise to God on high.

 

Alleluia, alleluia.

Alleluia, alleluia.

 

 

16   Alas and Alack

Twas the Fourth of July when I read in the paper

That a circus from Kansas had pulled into town.

Now elephants had always kind of intrigued me

And I hadn’t seen a woman in a month and a half.

 

A feller gets crazy in bachelor quarters,

And wishes to gaze on a woman or two.

And so I forsook all the boss’s fine Herefords

And went to the circus, alas and alack.

 

At two hundred yards I thought she was gorgeous,

She looked like a mermaid with long golden hair.

Somehow I missed the tattoo on her shoulder

And that she weighed in close to three hundred pounds.

 

I should have looked close before I embraced her,

It never occurred to me that she might have

The hairest armpits in Ochiltree County.

I really goofed up there, alas and alack!

 

I guess that some lassies ain’t wild about cowboys

Who sneak up and grab ‘em and kiss on their face.

In any event, though, she screamed like a panther

And messed up my jaw with a wicked left hook.

 

I sure ‘nuff was shocked that she had that big husband,

A wrestler, in fact, with a bone in his nose.

Before he got finished, I really looked forward

To seeing my Herefords, alas and alack.

 

I’m warning you boys who stay on them ranches,

A circus is dangerous to fellers like us.

There’s something about all those glittering

costumes

That makes a poor cowboy go out of his mind.

 

Beware of the women with big hairy husbands,

Especially the ones with a bone in their nose.

In courting a lass, a lack of good judgement

Can shorten your lifespan, alas and alack!

 

 

17   Poor Me

No one appreciates a hero like me.

In spite of the fact that I’m trying to be

Man’s very best friend and woman’s too,

So what if I happened to barf on her shoe?

My loyalty to her has never ceased,

I’ve stayed by her side through war and 

through peace.

I’ve guarded her kids and chicken coop,

But still she insists I’m a nincompoop.

 

Chorus:

Well fine, okay, it’s a poor-me kind of day.

When you need a friend, just call me and 

I’ll look the other way.

Poor me, poor pay! That’s all I have to say.

That’s fine, all right, I’m out on strike,

It’s a poor-me kind of day.

 

I bark up the sun most every morn, I was here at the ranch when her babies were born

I guarded the steaks that she put out to 

thaw...

And maybe I was foolish for eating them

raw.

But what of the nights I’ve stayed up and

barked?

And tussled with monsters and things in the dark?

Protecting the cattle and chickens and sheep

And got myself shot at for jarring her sleep!

 

Chorus:

 

So when there is trouble or monsters of stuff,

I plan to be sleeping or warming my duff,

I’ll tell them too bad and stay on my seat.

Emergency calls can be handled by Pete

And then we’ll just see what happens from

there.

When they’re getting their due and getting

 what’s fair.

And as the ranch crumbles, I’ll cry out with glee,

“You’ve caused this by being so mean to

poor me!”

 

Chorus:

 


19   Ode to a Mother Skunk

I’ve noticed in the course of years,

A-traveling through this vale of tears,

There’s several things I’ve never understood.

How tall’s the sky, how deep’s the sea?

And how come God invented me?

And how do skunks cope with motherhood?

 

Now, a skunks no friend of mine, I’ll say.

I’ll walk around one any day.

If he takes the high road, I’ll take the low.

I think that everyone agrees

That a skunk smells bad in the first degree.

So how do they fall in love, do you suppose?

 

Just think about it, contemplate.

Who’d ask a skunk out for a date? 

A date with a skunk couldn’t be much fun.

A guy would have to be pretty drunk

To spend an evening with a skunk,

And who could stand the smell to marry one?

 

Imagine the bride in her wedding clothes,

Wearing a clothespin on her nose,

While the groom holds his breath just to 

survive.

And if children came, heaven forbid,

Could a mother skunk really love those kids?

That couldn’t make her glad to be alive.

 

Now, what a shock to a young girl’s mind,

First to fall in love and then to find

Her self in charge of a brood of little skunks.

Now, a man would go into a coma,

Hit the roof and call his momma,

“Ma, git over here and help me pack my 

trunks!”

 

But a woman’s love, they say, is blind

She’ll give it to ‘most any kind

Of ugly thing she finds in the nursery.

If a mother skunk can love those young’uns,

Smelling like a bunch of onions,

Then a mother’s love can’t smell, much less see.

 

So the next time you old moms out there

Are tired of worry, work, and care

And wondering if this motherhood really pays.

Just remember, it could be worse-

Riding to church in the back of a hearse

Or being a momma skunk on Mother’s Day.

 

Happy Mother’s Day to you,

Be glad you’re not a skunk.

20   The Cannibal Way

Rip and Snort are toughest guys,

Singing song and telling lies.

Howl at moon and play all night,

Love to eat and love to fight.

 

Sleep all day, not give a hoot.

Coyote just a big galoot.

Better not get in our way, 

Or we will punch your lights out.

 

Chorus:

It’s the cannibal way, 

The cannibal way.

It’s the cannibal, animal, fo-fan-fannibal

Cannibal way.

 

We see you in the dark, you know you

can’t hide.

We got eyes on the front and eyes on the side.

See, we see you, we hear you, we’re coming on through,

The world’s most famous wrecking crew.

 

We smell pretty bad and we know we are cool

‘Cause we learned our stuff at Cannibal

School.

Bobcats, badgers, guard-dog mutts,

We clean their clocks and kick their shins.

 

Chorus:

 


21   Bitten on the Nose

I was searching for a bunny in a joint of 

rusted pipe.

I stuck my nose inside it and prepared

to take a bite.

I loosened up my jaws, unleashed a 

deadly growl...

But something stung me on the nose and

caused me to howl.

At first I thought the cottontail had done

this awful thing,

But bunnies do not have the means to

cause a painful sting.

So common sense prevailed and soon I 

came to see

It couldn’t be a bunny but perhaps a 

bumblebee? No.

 

Chorus:

I was bitten on the nose by a 

rattlesnake,

A rattlesnake, a rattlesnake.

I was bitten on the nose by a 

rattlesnake.

And now I’m swollen up like a 

poisoned pup.

 

Now, why would a rattlesnake take refuge

in a pipe?

I’ve known these guys forever and they’re 

really not the type

To be lurking in a junkyard in the middle

of the day,

But this one hadn’t read the book on

where he’s supposed to stay!

I guess I woke him up in the middle of 

his nap.

He didn’t even rattle but gave my nose

a snap.

There’s a moral to this song, in case

you’d like to use it!

Don’t stick your nose into a pipe unless

you want to lose it!

 

Chorus:

 

 

22   Eating Bugs is Lots of Fun

I know that some amongst you will more

than likely think

That eating bugs is yucky, they’re ugly 

and they stink.

But stop and reconsider before you make

a leap.

The bug supply’s unlimited, and boy,

they’re really cheap.

 

Chorus:

Eating bugs is lots of fun,

It won’t require a hotdog bun.

Nourishment for everyone.

Eating bugs is lots of fun.

 

You’re s’posed to drink a glass of juice

before your breakfast meal.

Well, bugs are juicy as can be, the price 

is just a steal.

You’ll find no cheaper protein than a 

cricket served for lunch,

And with every bite of cricket, you get 

a pleasant crunch.

 

Chorus:

 

But here’s a few precautions, in planning

your attack.

Beware of wasps and scorpions ‘cause they 

will bite you back.

And earthworms are a special case, they

have no legs or toes,

And if you try to eat ‘em fast, they’ll wrap 

around your nose.

 

Chorus:

 

Bugs are better for you than corndogs on

a stick.

The only disadvantage is that bugs can 

make you sick.

Don’t eat too many june bugs or miller 

moths or flies,

‘Cause if you do not chew them up, they’ll

tickle your insides.

 

Chorus: